OMG it happened again! I walked into the kitchen and there it was, plain as day, like a huge sore on a beautiful face: a mountain of filthy dishes climbing higher and higher in the sink! I see swarming flies, rivers of grease, crusted food, and small critters circling the drain… Well not really, but it sure does feel that way. I don’t want to scream or throw things, but I have the most powerful desire to scream at my husband!
Has this ever happened to you? You are already struggling with something, maybe you’re having a bad day, maybe you’ve discussed this a million times already. But for whatever reason, you’ve brought it up again and again and nothing changes. Worse yet, you’ve started to give up. You see the problem, it happens again, and you’ve started to assume it will never change and your partner just doesn’t value you anymore. Of course they don’t! If they did, they’d do the damn dishes, right?!
What’s This Really About?
So, let’s slow this down a second. What are we really discussing? We’re not really talking about dishes, though this example hits home for me personally. We’re actually talking about your needs. You have needs, we all do. You have things you need in order to function in your day, your week, your life.
- Maybe you need to dishes to always go into the dishwasher.
- Maybe you need your husband to pick his dirty clothes up off the floor and put them in the hamper.
- Maybe you need your wife to stop side-seat driving
- Maybe you need her to tell you exactly what’s wrong, when the problem happens, rather than waiting until 11:30 PM when you’re exhausted and you’re about to go to bed!
The point is: we all have needs and if our partner isn’t delivering those needs, we need to figure out why (pun intended).
Caveat Time!
I am about to lay down an incredible ECT – Effective Communication Technique – that will revolutionize how you two talk to each other. But… BUT… this is only going to work if
- A) you both buy in to healing the relationship 100%, which means this relationship cannot contain abuse (physical, mental, emotional, financial, sexual, familial abuse),
- B) what you are asking for – your need – is a reasonable one, meaning, something a reasonable person would expect the other person not to struggle with delivering, and
- C) your relationship is such that you both agree to be transparent with each other when your needs arise and not use this as a tool for manipulation (a.k.a. emotional manipulation, gaslighting, etc).
If you can cover A, B, and C, then you’re good to go for the power of this ECT.
You Will Notice…
So, assuming you both are in 100% and you are committed to lovingly grow this relationship into something healthy, let’s dive into the ECT: Explaining Your Needs Well. This is one of my most fundamental ECT’s because it involves a formula and I use it often, with many people, in tons of situations. This is not just for my marriage. This for my kids, my in-laws, my neighbors, my friends, even the checker at the grocery store. Once you learn this ECT and master it, you will find yourself noticing some things.
- You will notice you begin using it a lot, with your partner and others. This is a good thing.
- You will notice when other people don’t use it and it will annoy you. LOL
- You will notice when you need someone to use it to explain something to you. You might even ask.
- You will notice and/or realize how difficult things were before you learned this ECT.
- You may even get angry, salty, or bitter about the communication struggles you had before this.
Let these realizations happen. Try not to analyze them too deeply. Just notice.
Now, for the main event!
ECT 1 – Explaining Your Needs Well
This formula will work wonders for you. But you will have to practice, practice, practice. Practice makes progress.
| A | + B | + C | + D | + E | + F |
| When it comes to… | I need… (always in affirmative) , please | And, that will make me feel… | Because… | A + B + C | Does that make sense? |
| Doing the dishes | Dishes to go in the dishwasher please | Appreciated | I had a roommate a long time ago who used to leave dirty dishes everywhere. We got bugs. We got evicted. It led to fights. It really upsets me now. | Combine parts A, B, and C together then add… | Does that make sense? |
| Dirty clothes | For the clothes to go into the hamper please | Respected | I trip on them / it looks messy / the cat pees on them / they just pile up / I grew up with hoarders or messy people and seeing dirty clothes on the floor gives me anxiety, etc. | Combine parts A, B, and C together then add.. | Did I explain that ok? |
| Side-seat driving | For the quiet comments and verbal navigation reminders to stop, please | Trusted | When I hear those comments, it fills me with worry / it fill the car with worry / it makes me feel like you don’t trust me / it makes me second-guess myself, etc. | Combine parts A, B, and C together then add.. | Was I clear or confusing? |
| Late-night venting | For that to stop and for issues to be brought up at the time they happen | Valued | Bed time is the time I use to decompress and venting at that time causes me stress / if it’s not brought up at the time, I forget it happened and won’t remember the details, etc. | Combine parts A, B, and C together then add.. | I hope that makes sense |
| Waiting until the gas tank is on empty | For the tank to be filled before parking in the garage at night | Understood | When I was young, I survived a big earthquake and we were the only ones in the neighborhood with a full tank / my dad taught me to fill up before coming home, etc. | Combine parts A, B, and C together then add.. | I hope that clarifies things |
As I said, you can use this formula with anyone, any time, on nearly any topic and get good results. There are, however, some conditions you need to know to get the MOST out of this ECT.
- Take a deep breath and relax before speaking – ALWAYS
- Soften the gaze, check your frown.
- Lower the voice and soften the tone (meaning – fill your voice with love and care)
- Say to Self: I am speaking my needs to someone who loves me.
- Leverage non-verbal communication if appropriate, with consent (i.e. hold their hand, touch their arm, or give them a hug)
- Always try for I-statements, not You-statements. (you did this, you always do that, makes people defensive)
- Keep the speed and pace slow.
- Do not over explain yourself (it just makes you seem uncertain and anxious)
- Pause between D + E and between E + F. People need a moment to digest.
- Finally: No matter the outcome (the ball is in their court after all), Thank Them!
- Say something like “Thank you for listening to me,” or “I am grateful for you”, or “Thank you for talking with me”.
Then let the subject go. If the other person wants to keep talking about it, great! Navigate it slowly, intentionally, without attack, using I-statements, and remain focused on win/win language.
You Can Do This
I know it seems like a lot but I PROMISE you will see a huge change in your interactions and partnership dynamics with this One ECT.
Comment below and let me know how it goes for you. Let’s get you Better.
~N
