I just want to get married already! I’m sick of being alone! Everyone else is already with someone, they’ve had their wedding, they bought their homes, they’re having kids, and I’m always just a Plus One!
Is this you? Are you constantly comparing yourself to your friends? Is everyone else getting engaged and you’re stuck on the side-lines? Or maybe, is it your parents who are pressuring you? Maybe your rabbi or priest? Maybe you feel social pressure because there are certain commitments, practices, and rituals you cannot participate in because you’re single. Moreover, are you feeling lonely? Is it challenging to go to bed alone each night, staring at the ceiling, wondering when that special person will finally show up and complete you?
Hey! Snap out of it!
I will be the first one to tell you: it’s better to be alone than to be with the wrong one. This is a fact. This is not up for debate. No, it is not better to be with someone, anyone, instead of being alone. That is a falsehood perpetuated by organizations that want your money like restaurants, dress-makers, cosmetics companies, fashion industry, and anyone else who makes money from your involvement in couples events and planning weddings. Do not listen.
If you are so lonely that you are willing to compromise yourself, your boundaries, your personal ethics, and your happiness to be with someone just so the room isn’t empty, you need to look in the mirror and have a chat with yourself.
It’s better to be alone than to be with the wrong one. This is a fact.
Having married the completely wrong man, somehow survived the divorce and the subsequent three years of self-exploration, I can tell you there’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Turns out, I was often lonely and did not understand how amazing it could be to be alone. Why? I was conditioned by society to believe that being alone is wrong and bad. It’s that simple. I was programmed to think I had to have a partner, no matter who they were, or how awful a human being they were, rather than being alone. Well, I’m here to tell you, that is utter nonsense.
Let me clarify something: Being alone does not mean living alone for the rest of your life. It does not mean committing to celibacy. It does not mean you actively seek out isolation or run away from social interactions. Being alone means literally that: being in your own company and finding peace, maybe even joy, from it. If you cannot enjoy your own company, you have a problem. And – don’t hate me for this – having a partner and getting married will not fix it either.
If you cannot figure this out for yourself, being married will only heighten and exacerbate the issues.
It’s time to date yourself.
I know, I know. That sounds totally ridiculous. Who wants to date themselves? Well, I do! I had to do some soul-searching (it’s not all mystical and peaceful and woo-woo. It’s hard). I had to do a lot of mirror work, personal work, self-examination, and figure out why I didn’t like to be in my own company. I had to ask myself a lot of questions, accept the answers, then start to learn who I was and find things about myself that I did like. Here are some examples:
- Can I handle silence? Do I need to fill the air with noise?
- Do I enjoy spending time in nature by myself?
- What types of activities do I like to do alone? Why or why not?
- Do I feel more like myself when I am around others or by myself? Why?
Again, having a spouse will not help you answer these questions. I’m sorry; it just won’t. If you cannot figure this out for yourself, being married will only heighten and exacerbate the issues. Why? Because you will end up clinging to your mate for support, attention, conversation, and they will feel smothered. You have to be able to stand on your own two feet, emotionally and mentally.
You tolerate other people’s crap a whole lot less after you’ve dated (and loved) yourself.
Once I began asking myself these questions and looking at the really hard answers, I discovered I was scared to be alone. Not physically scared (though as a woman we are conditioned to be afraid for our safety, which is a whole other conversation), but I was scared to go out into the world, go to dinner, go shopping, go traveling, and meet people alone. I was scared that it meant something was wrong with me, that I was unlovable, unworthy, or not good enough. I had this delusional idea that I had to have a partner to be worthy of a lovely dinner, a weekend stay in Napa, or going to the movies. This could not be further from the truth.
Dating yourself means preparing yourself to be the best partner you can be! I’ve said it before (on this blog) and I’ll say it again: If you don’t do the work before you become partnered, becoming partnered will become work!
Here are some positive things that come from dating yourself:
- You learn your preferences, likes and dislikes
- You learn more about your own tendencies, habits, and needs
- You learn the type of personality you have
- You learn the type of people you enjoy surrounding yourself with (and those you don’t)
- You learn how you enjoy spending time
- You learn what matters to you
- You learn what you deem important and frivolous
- You gain clarity and insight into the person you want to be, the future you want, and how you want to impact the world.
Again, dating yourself does not mean living alone for the rest of your life, heaven forbid! It means learning how wonderful YOU are, before anyone else does. It means learning how important YOU are, before anyone else does. It means understanding yourself deeply, accepting your weaknesses, loving your strengths, and gaining clarity on the life you want to lead. What’s wrong with that?
Moreover, after you date yourself for a while, you gain the maturity you need to know when someone is unworthy of you. You learn when someone is mistreating you, undeserving of you, and you become less and less willing to allow them into your space. You tolerate other people’s crap a whole lot less after you’ve dated (and loved) yourself.
Try it and let me know how it works for you.
I believe in you. Let’s get you Better, Together.
