I recently had a woman come to me for help while struggling over a relationship. She cared deeply for the guy but he was sending mixed messages and she was stressed. They had been going back and forth on whether or not to marry – she was for it and he was on the fence. Ultimately, his inability to step up and choose the next step finally caused her to walk away. But here’s the problem: she was still texting him back and forth, making apologies for his behavior, offering benefit of the doubt, and giving him slack for lying to her over the years.
What?!
“You’re considering marrying this guy and you don’t know his family, and haven’t met any of them and don’t really know his past?”
The dude was lying to her off and on since they met. He told her lots of wonderful things, led her to believe he was ready to move forward with commitment, but when I asked her about his family, his past, his home town, she knew nothing. Red flag, people! Red flag!
Her response was that it had never come up. I said, “Hold up, you’re considering marrying this guy and you don’t know his family, and haven’t met any of them and don’t really know his past?” She laughed nervously.
This is not a good sign.
I have to say, when people talk to me about their relationships, they seem to go about it blindly. I mean, blind. As in, fumbling around in the dark, no real plan, no idea how to tackle the developing connection they are attempting to grow, and no system or method of figuring stuff out. It’s bizarre.
Here’s what I mean: When I met my spouse, I was three years post-divorce and happy as a clam. I was a bit lonely sometimes but, goodness, did I love my life. I had worked so hard to figure out what I wanted and worked so hard to make it happen, I had finally reached a place where I could be proud of who I was and what I was accomplishing and where I was headed. In short, I didn’t ‘need’ a partner. I just wanted one.
“I then asked him every single thing I could think of to weed out any red flags, right then and there. “
When we met, I did the #1 thing that most new couples are terrified to do: I was totally 100% honest from the first date. Not just honest, oh no! I was blunt! I mean blunt with a capital B. When we met at an open-air mall for our first date, we sat at a coffee shop and talked for three hours. Yes, three hours. I did most of the talking (I know, you’re shocked, right?) and he sat across from me like a deer in headlights, nodding and smiling. I told him everything about myself that I loved. (no that’s not a bad thing) My birthday, where I worked and what I did, my favorite food, my philosophy on life, my favorite books, what I liked to do in my spare time, how I handled difficult situations, how I overcame obstacles, and what was new and interesting in my life at that moment. He knew from Day 1 that I was divorced with two sons. No secrets. He understood I was deeply spiritual and Jewish and I made zero apologies for it. After telling him about myself, stories and silliness, I said something to the effect of “Alright, now it’s your turn. I want to know about you.”
His eyes got huge and he gave very simple, short answers. He was definitely not used to talking about himself. I accepted that. Ok fine, he was shy. But instead of trying to dance around it or drop subtle hints about wanting to learn more, I just came out with it: “Is it ok if I ask you a few questions about yourself and your hopes for the future?”
He thought it was a great idea. Turns out he was a terrible conversationalist and needed prompts. Excellent. I then asked him every single thing I could think of to weed out any red flags, right then and there.
“Do you drink?”
“Do you smoke?”
“Do you do drugs?”
“Do you have a lot of debt?”
“Do you have a good relationship with your family? With your parents?”
“How many serious relationships have you been in?”
“How long have you been single?”
“Do you have any medical issues?”
“Do you struggle with communication?”
“What’s your love language?”
“Do you enjoy travel?”
“Are you open to new experiences?”
“Do you like trying new foods?”
“Do you enjoy dry British humor?”
“How is your mental health?”
“How often do you practice self-care? What does that look like?”
You get the idea. You might be thinking to yourself ‘Jeez Na’amah, were you on a date or an interrogation? Wow, this sounds like a serious job interview!’
Well, you’d be right. It was a job interview; for the job of life partner. See, here’s the thing: I was dating at the time for the singular purpose of finding a life partner. I wasn’t interested in committing to anyone or anything that would not yield a long-term result. In other words, I was not dating for funsies. I was not dating to ‘just meet people’. I was not dating to ‘make friends’. Nope. I knew better. You should too.
“In other words, I was not dating for funsies. I was not dating to ‘just meet people’. I was not dating to ‘make friends’. Nope. I knew better. You should too. “
What do I mean? I mean dating is serious business. If you’re not interested in finding a partner for your life – for a reason, a season, or a lifetime – then you probably don’t want to be dating. Why? Because if you’re simply interested in having someone to connect to physically, then download Tinder and be done with it. Be honest (with yourself and others) and be direct on your profile: Seeking only FWB (friends with benefits). The end.
But if you’re actually seeking a real-life, honest to goodness, legit life partner, then go in all the way and stop settling for garbage. In other words: go big or go home. It’s that simple. I asked my future husband all these questions because I was weeding him out. I wanted to know exactly who I was dealing with from Day 1. No apologies, no shame, no shade. I didn’t feel embarrassed asking probing questions. I wasn’t ashamed of myself. I wasn’t scared or too shy and I didn’t give two shits about hurting his feelings or bruising his ego. (I mean, who wants to marry someone who’s ego is that fragile anyway?)
I was direct about what I wanted and, AND, this is the biggest part: I was 100% happy with walking away if he didn’t satisfy my list.
Can you say you are the same?
I approached our first date, and every interaction thereafter, with complete and total transparency. The incredible Lisa Nichols likes to say “Nothing to hide, nothing to defend, nothing to protect, nothing to prove.” I lived by that philosophy and still do. I went on that date with the intention of ‘This is just practice for the real thing.’ Meaning? If it’s not this one, it will be the next one. I won’t waste my time with him if it’s not right.
Thankfully, my partner was 100% honest with me from the start. Had he not been, we would not have gotten together.
So what happened? I asked all those questions and he answered them. All of them. Honestly. He laid his cards on the table and told me the truth, right there in the coffee shop. Maybe it’s an age thing. We were in our 30’s and were tired of putting on appearances, pretending we had our lives together. We had been burned by liars, exhausted by putting on fronts, and no longer willing to have our boundaries violated for the sake of ‘benefit of the doubt’. We were just interested in being direct. Whatever the reason, it worked. We had our first date and, truly, five years later, it feels like the date has never ended. I love him more every single day. He tells me, daily, that he loves me and feels that he ‘hit the jackpot’ with me.
And yes, there’s been things that have gone poorly, fights we’ve had, but those have been the tiniest minority. As in, a serious fight twice a year, for an hour or two. For the other 363 days, it’s been joy and peace. That came from honesty. (meaning joy and peace from each other, not like, life because, you know, pandemic and whatnot)
So take my advice – stop pretending to be something you’re not, don’t lie to yourself or them, and say exactly what you mean, regardless of ‘it might hurt their feelings’. Save yourself and them a lot of time, effort, energy, and potential heartbreak. AND, stop allowing your own boundaries to be violated by people who are incapable of healthy relationships. It’s beneath you and deep down, you know it.
PS, this won’t work if you don’t know who you are and exactly what you want, right? That’s an article for another day.
~N
